It’s rare (unless we ourselves have been hurt and strike out defensively) that we intentionally seek to hurt someone we love. However, we often cause harm to a loved one (spouse, child, parent, friend) because we say or do something that “lands” on them in a way that causes pain, even though we didn’t have that intention.
What happens when the injured one protests? Often, if we’ve caused the harm, we get defensive and claim that the other “shouldn’t take it that way” or “shouldn’t be so sensitive”. Or we make excuses and may even counterattack. “Well you said that to me last week”…or something like that.
Where does that leave the injured one? Doubly hurt – first from the initial “ouch” and then from the sting of invalidation or counterattack. Things often spiral downward from there as angry words are thrown back and forth, or one person withdraws and silence ensues for a period of time. Either way, there is rupture and disconnection. If this happens often, real cracks in the foundation of the relationship will emerge, and destructive cycles will occur more frequently causing further damage to the safety of the relationship.
It’s fairly simple, although not easy, to prevent your relationship from falling into the chasm between intention and impact. If you’ve caused harm, even unintentional harm, “walk over the bridge” toward your loved one, listen to them, and try to understand why your words or actions had a hurtful impact. This is not easy to do because we are uncomfortable causing harm to those we love – it never feels good to be the “bad guy”. It is so much easier, especially in the heat of the moment, to turn the responsibility back to them, especially if we believe they “overreacted”. However, taking a deep breath, slowing down, and dealing with your own discomfort allows you to bring curiosity and compassion to the one you hurt. By listening and trying to understand why your words or actions were hurtful, you’ll bring healing, repair, and safety to your relationship. Validating your loved one’s experience is a tremendous gift of love. And if an apology is necessary, then express that genuinely.
If you are the “injured” one, you too need to walk across the bridge. You’ll also need to slow down and take a breath, so that you can explain the impact of the other’s words or actions in a “non-attacking” manner. In doing so, you’ll have a greater chance to be heard and understood, and be less likely to receive defensive invalidation or a counterattack. And if your loved one is able to listen, understand, and apologize, accept that gift graciously and with appreciation.
None of this is easy but it is not complicated – slow down, tune in to your own discomfort, if necessary, listen, and really try to understand the person you love. Doing this on a regular basis will have a profound benefit – creating a climate of safety in your relationship from which you can love and enjoy each other with open hearts.