For anyone who has recently spent any time with a preschooler, you’ll see curiosity in full bloom. A constant string of questions usually emerges. “What is that?” Why does this happen?” And so it goes – the questions can seem endless. As we age, we lose curiosity or “beginner’s mind”, a Zen Buddhist concept that means looking at the world as if it were new.
Why does this happen? Perhaps it’s because we believe that we know more than we actually do. Perhaps it’s because we have an increasing number of “narratives” or stories about things, events and people, which often control how we interact with them or impact our emotional response. We also have many beliefs about ourselves that can stand in the way of changing the way we move through the world.
So why cultivate curiosity? The most important reason is that it opens up space – space to show up differently in relationships, space to view ourselves (and others) with more compassion, and space to walk through the world with a greater sense of wonder and possibility.
In relationships, we often fall into patterns or cycles, whether it is a romantic relationship or a relationship with a parent, sibling or friend. The longer the relationship has existed, the more entrenched the pattern can feel. When these patterns result in decreased emotional safety or connection, bringing in curiosity can produce surprising change.
What if you were curious about your spouse’s anger to something you said and learned that his anger actually masked the pain he felt by your comment instead of simply being a hurtful reaction? What if you were able to be curious and ask him gently what was really going on? Perhaps the next time he might be able to talk about the pain instead of reacting in anger. It is not easy to be curious in the heat of the moment. We often meet anger with more anger or withdrawal. But slowing down creates space by allowing yourself to wonder what is really going on with your loved one and can open up a path to greater vulnerability and connection.
How often are we curious about ourselves? If we check inside, we recognize many beliefs we have about ourselves, most of which are not positive. Some of these might include:
“There is something wrong with me.”
“I’m not enough.”
“This always happens to me.”
“I don’t deserve happiness.”
Sound familiar? Most of these beliefs are limiting. They cause us to limit the choices we make and what we believe is possible. When we start questioning the validity of these beliefs and, instead wonder where they originated, we can begin to create new stories about ourselves, increase self compassion, and expand what is possible. Often these beliefs were created by early childhood experiences. Identifying and challenging these beliefs is not an easy process as many beliefs are deeply entrenched. In some cases, a trained professional, particularly one who uses an Internal Family Systems (IFS) approach, can help you to identify the parts of you who hold these beliefs and to bring curiosity and compassion to them. In time, these beliefs can be released so that you can create new stories about yourself and generate new possibilities.
As with many things, cultivating curiosity seems simple but is not always easy as we have lost the natural openness of our young selves. There are many resources to help you on this path. And for those who find It helpful to seek professional help, reach out to an IFS therapist.
Greater Than the Sum of Our Parts: Discovering Your True Self Through Internal Family Systems Therapy by Richard Schwartz
How to Know a Person by David Brooks
Us by Terrence Real
Secure Love by Julie Menanno
Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life by Scott Shigeoka